Thanks in part to an endorsement by Rick Santorum, and moves by Paul Singer, Obama emerged victorious at the brokered GOP convention.
"This is a victory for the American people," said President Obama. "Despite whether I am re-elected as a Republican or Democratic candidate, there will be no losers. Rest assured, my teleprompter will be adjusted accordingly, but my policies will continue to appeal to no one. You see, now that I can't lose, I can finally stop being a politician and be a straight-shooter."
This is the first time in history that a single candidate was in the running for both major parties.
A snag emerged when Joe Biden revealed he refused to double-bill.
"I am not going to join the party that had JFK killed with Castro's go ahead," said Biden.
Obama has been forced to choose Santorum as his Republican running mate.
Asked if this had been his plan all along, Santorum was evasive.
"Plans? I make my plans to coincide with God's," said Santorum. "What seems random in the eyes of man turns out to abide by a higher purpose. Think about that next time you break a condom."
Why did Romney feel he had lost the nomination?
"The Etch A Sketch got me," he said.
"I am more conservative than Reagan," said Obama. "And yet, more liberal than Bill Clinton. I will turn the United States into a fascist state while being accused of being a bleeding heart. I will do all this and more whilst singing smooth jazz and wearing magic underwear. This is 2012, dawning of the age of rhetoric."
A poll released on Thursday revealed 51 percent would vote for Democratic Obama, while 39 percent preferred Republican Obama.
"I would have voted for Republican Obama," said Mary Churchill, a bingo announcer from Muskogee, "but I just don't like the image of Obama running with Santorum."
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